Should I or Shouldn't I?

 I don't think I have very many readers here. Whether it be on wordpress, blogger or on facebook. But that is not important to me right now. I mean having readers is great yes, and I hope that what I write is helpful to someone, but it is not exactly why I write. Do you know what I mean?

I write as a way to work through my thoughts and to express myself, and yes to hopefully help someone who is going through the same thing as me. My transition is something that is very personal to me, and I am not Chaz Bono so I do not have to worry about being outed publically and having to deal with the issues surrounding it. So, why bring it out here? Because it may help someone else.

My daughter has a friend who started dating a transgender FTM who has started selling those cool bracelets made of paracord to help get money for his top surgery (removing the female breasts). This I think is a great idea and I thought perhaps I should think of something to do that would help me like that as well.

But should I do that? I mean, I have been put under fire by someone that does not matter to me, but I wonder if she isn't just expressing some of the thoughts a lot of people around me are thinking, but do not say it aloud.

Would it be any different if I opened a store and took my proceeds and spent it on a surgery? Is asking people to buy something from me so that I can get my surgery somehow lowering myself to beggar position?

Do I think that of this young FTM who is selling the bracelets? No not at all, I think he is brave for going after what he wants, what he needs to have done.

Sometimes I feel like between my position in The Alliance, and my position as a transgender man pre-op, I am always asking for something of others. That does not really make me feel good all the time. For The Alliance, I am in the sense of, do this for the community's well being. But from my own personal sense I am thinking, they have their own problems, issues and things they need to do, it is not fair of me to ask them to buy something from me so that I can get surgery, yet I do not hold this towards other people such as this young FTM selling the bracelets.

What would you do?

I want them GONE!!!

They have to go!

I don’t normally take a picture of my chest and post it on the internet. One I am not that type of person to just be able to show my body to the world and two, I really really fucking hate my chest. 

Not because of the size, not because it hurts my back (tho they do), but because they are NOT suppose to be there. I am a MAN, not a woman. Yes I was born in a female body so of course nature took it’s course and ultimately lead to me having these things on my chest. I have hated them since they first appeared and I hate them more and more every day. 

Tonight I went to a book club meeting we were discussing the book from Chaz Bono on his transitioning. There were some comments about not knowing how it felt to wake up in a body that you did not like. Not just weight, or hair color, or even eye color. I am talking about waking up as a female when in your head you are all male. I wanted to be able to express how it feels to someone like myself. 

There are days I wake up and if I was not such a pansy with pain I would take a knife to them. But also, there are days, more now, that I wake up and the only thing that stops me from doing it is because I would surely be admitted to a mental institution. 

How does one explain the utter disgust, the pain, the hunger, the need, deep seeded need to have the body  you feel you are suppose to be in. How it feels when someone calls you Ma’am, how it feels when people call me the kid’s mother instead of father. How do I explain that there are days if I don’t work hard at it I can cry over the fact that there are TITS on my chest!

I do not profess to know how it is for other people, I do not know how a MTF feels about not having breasts or about having a penis. All I know is how I feel. 

I don’t want to have bottom surgery, here is my reasoning, it does not work for me. I can get pleasure just fine wearing a strap on cock. And what is best, is that if I want to switch sizes to please my lover, I can!

I wear a shirt to bed, I wear a shirt during sex. I wear a shirt during sex because I cannot stand, I abhor the sight of those fucking tits on my chest swinging back and forth constantly reminding me that they are there, that they are the sign to the world that I belong in the female class of our species, but I DON’T!!

How do I portray this to people who just don’t understand? Yeah, I can say, imagine waking up in the opposite sex than what you love, what you feel you are.. Women, can you wake up and imagine life having a penis, or guys can you imagine waking up with tits? Now that you are done with all of the, oh yeah I can play with it comments, think seriously. Could you go through life with it? 

I can’t. I just can’t and I don’t think that imagining  you woke up in the gender you are not is going to help you understand exactly how I feel. It can come close, I won’t say it won’t. 

I have a hard time with patience, but there are just some things I have to wait for. Like my testosterone, hopefully to be starting in May. Then my surgery to take these fucking things off of my chest, that is gonna be awhile to get the money for it. In the mean time everyday I fight to get dressed. I fight to drive, I fight to look in the mirror I fight to help the world to see me for the man that I am. My stomach hurts for thinking about it. 

Storm

Splitting Myself

Some of you may know me as the president of The Alliance, and some of you may know me simply as Storm.

I have found recently that I need to split from the organization on occasions from the organization and just be me. Granted the organization is my passion, my path in life. However there is so much more to Storm.

I am a writer. I write poetry, some very dark, some light and sweet. I write stories, some with action, some with romance, some with what some people would call deviant behavior.

Is it safe for me to write these things and put them out here for people to see? Is being the president of such an organization stifling my creative juices?

I think if I don’t have this personal and soon to be warning filled blog that it would. That it has been and I need to change that.

when I don’t want to start writing because I am constantly writing something for The Alliance blog or for the newsletter than it is time to do something different.

My own personal needs have been pushed aside and I have to change that.

I had someone like a post I wrote in The Alliance blog so I took a look at their’s to see what they were all about. Someone I would definitely follow, as an individual, but could not as The Alliance President because their blog is clearly marked Adult content to the point that a family organization that has kids come to and read things on possibly could not follow.

That upset me a little bit, I have to be careful what I say on the different accounts that I man.. I have a few Alliance accounts between facebook, wordpress and blogger and I have to be careful of what I say and post so as not to offend anyone while still advocating for the community.

So, my personal ones should be able to portray the person, the human behind the president title right?

I so need to get back into the creative writing and sharing it with people..

I am a transgender man, I am a sexual being, I have urges, needs and desires. And oh I have deviant ideas and often act on them.

Storm

Not the president