I want them GONE!!!

They have to go!

I don’t normally take a picture of my chest and post it on the internet. One I am not that type of person to just be able to show my body to the world and two, I really really fucking hate my chest. 

Not because of the size, not because it hurts my back (tho they do), but because they are NOT suppose to be there. I am a MAN, not a woman. Yes I was born in a female body so of course nature took it’s course and ultimately lead to me having these things on my chest. I have hated them since they first appeared and I hate them more and more every day. 

Tonight I went to a book club meeting we were discussing the book from Chaz Bono on his transitioning. There were some comments about not knowing how it felt to wake up in a body that you did not like. Not just weight, or hair color, or even eye color. I am talking about waking up as a female when in your head you are all male. I wanted to be able to express how it feels to someone like myself. 

There are days I wake up and if I was not such a pansy with pain I would take a knife to them. But also, there are days, more now, that I wake up and the only thing that stops me from doing it is because I would surely be admitted to a mental institution. 

How does one explain the utter disgust, the pain, the hunger, the need, deep seeded need to have the body  you feel you are suppose to be in. How it feels when someone calls you Ma’am, how it feels when people call me the kid’s mother instead of father. How do I explain that there are days if I don’t work hard at it I can cry over the fact that there are TITS on my chest!

I do not profess to know how it is for other people, I do not know how a MTF feels about not having breasts or about having a penis. All I know is how I feel. 

I don’t want to have bottom surgery, here is my reasoning, it does not work for me. I can get pleasure just fine wearing a strap on cock. And what is best, is that if I want to switch sizes to please my lover, I can!

I wear a shirt to bed, I wear a shirt during sex. I wear a shirt during sex because I cannot stand, I abhor the sight of those fucking tits on my chest swinging back and forth constantly reminding me that they are there, that they are the sign to the world that I belong in the female class of our species, but I DON’T!!

How do I portray this to people who just don’t understand? Yeah, I can say, imagine waking up in the opposite sex than what you love, what you feel you are.. Women, can you wake up and imagine life having a penis, or guys can you imagine waking up with tits? Now that you are done with all of the, oh yeah I can play with it comments, think seriously. Could you go through life with it? 

I can’t. I just can’t and I don’t think that imagining  you woke up in the gender you are not is going to help you understand exactly how I feel. It can come close, I won’t say it won’t. 

I have a hard time with patience, but there are just some things I have to wait for. Like my testosterone, hopefully to be starting in May. Then my surgery to take these fucking things off of my chest, that is gonna be awhile to get the money for it. In the mean time everyday I fight to get dressed. I fight to drive, I fight to look in the mirror I fight to help the world to see me for the man that I am. My stomach hurts for thinking about it. 

Storm