Doc visit for T

I just want to make a little note here that my poetry and writing blog received a blog award. Please take a look at that post over there at http://stormshadows.wordpress.com/2012/06/27/a-lovely-blog-award/ So I was reading J.C. Prime’s blog Click here to read it too and the topic of seeing the Doctor to start testosterone came up. 

So I thought I should perhaps tell about my experience as well. I am hoping it will help J.C. as well. (If he has not already been since it has taken me a couple of days to get back to this. So June of 2011 I finally got the nerve to go see a therapist about being transgender. I made the 1 hour trip to her home office and was told how things would work. 

 First I needed to see her at least 3 months before I could begin T. I took that as I would be starting T in three months from then. I was wrong. I went to my appointments with her and talked about frustrations and what I thought about things I would expect. Ironically (or so I thought) we talked more about my daily frustrations, seems this links in with how we handle the world and not being seen as we want to be. Who knew? Finally it had been three months and I was told that she would be making the call to get me recommended to the endro who would be taking care of me. 

I waited, and I waited finally in December the office called me to make my appointment. The earliest they had open was May 4th. I was a bit crushed at it being so far out, but what could I do? It isn’t like anyone else was going to see me sooner and I certainly was not going to go an hold a gun to the woman’s head to force her to see me sooner. So I waited. Fortunately life being what life is, I was kept pretty busy as I waited for the days to count down. For those of you who do not take care of kids. The job kind of makes days go faster in some ways. 

Remember when you were a kid waiting for your favorite holiday? Well now we say.. omg not already lol.. Anyway besides taking care of the family I was kept busy doing things for The Alliance and getting the Drag Pageant taken care of. Soon my birthday was here, which was also the same time as the Drag Pageant, so that came and went quickly. Then my daughter came home from college, which was the day before. (She goes to college in the same city as my endro doc is) Fortunately her boyfriend went to get her for us so we were not making two trips up there. 

 Let me just say here, every chance my mind got clear and a moment to think, the first thing it went to was being able to take T. Will my insurance pay for it, will everything be ok, will the doc agree to take me on? I had so much going through my head that if my family did not keep me busy I probably would have gone running into the night like some mad man. Fortunately my family kept me busy. 

 The drive up to Raleigh was calm, can you believe it? I was so calm that I think my family members wondered if I was actually living and breathing. 

I was just so freaking calm, even finding the place I was calm. I am also the type of person that I constantly watch the time if I have to be somewhere. I hate.. HATE… did I mention I highly dislike.. being late for anything. And it drives me absolutely insane with other people are late to meet me. 

Anyway, we got there with a little time to spare, but it was ok because I like being early and we entered the building to find the office. I started to get a little excited and the excitement was building as we took the elevator up to the proper floor. We step into the office, I let the young man at the desk know who I am and who I am there for. I hand him the paperwork they had sent me 6 months before, my insurance, and my drivers license. 

As he is looking at the computer he asks me if I have any other insurance, I tell him no.. a woman comes over and he asks the woman. “Are we accepting new patients with this insurance? I didn’t think we were” Woman says. “We aren’t, who is She (she meaning me) seeing?” He says, “Dr X. (not real name)” 

 ok let me take a moment here… by this time .. my heart went from being in my throat to being in my fracking stomach.. I mean heading its way to the floor.. and the look on my face would have probably told someone I was on the verge of dying right there. I mean.. six months waiting for them.. almost a fracking year since starting my therapy.. and they are going to now tell me I can’t see this person because of my insurance?

 Angel steps in and rescues me just as the woman says to the man “Let me go ask H.. maybe she made the appointment” Angel says, “He has had this appointment for 6 months” (notice Angel being my wife of course uses the correct pronoun, whereas the woman and man use the wrong one cus all they see is DDD chest. (yeah thought they were DD until Angel corrected me)

 Anyway, Angel looks at me and says.. “Storm.. Didn’t you have to use the rest room?” The young man seeing an opening then tells me where the rest room is of which I damn near run too. Besides having to go to the bathroom badly(coffee and almost two hour drive does nothing good for the bladder) I also felt like I was going to throw up. 

When I come out of the rest room and re-enter the office I see Angel sitting and beginning some paperwork. So, I automatically know it is ok.. yes.. saved by that woman again. Well I mean she had a little to do with it, I am sure she saved their rug from me making it some kind of regurgitated coffee color. 

As she looks up and sees me with a smile on her face, the young man sees me and says it is all ok and that my friend has some paperwork for me. 

Ok, sometimes you just have to forgive people for not knowing the obvious.. or maybe he did but was trying to be polite and not out me to the whole room. Which I do not care anyway.. I have never hidden who I was or who I was with. But I understand the intent. 

 So Finally H (I find out H is Dr X’s assistant) calls me into the back.. OH and guess what.. She called me by my chosen name instead of the birth one…. How freaking cool is that? 

She does all of the medical things that people do, weight, height, yada yada, then takes us into a room where she begins to ask me medical history questions and she is funny and she is this cute lil butch. She her and I are doing this bonding thing lol.. it was cool. 

 Then the doc comes in and the only thing I can think the entire time she is asking me questions and asking me to tell her how I have felt for the last ten years is .. She is going to tell me I am wrong.. that I am not really a man, that she is not going to treat me… so when she said I certainly was a candidate I nearly slid out of my seat. She gave me all of the options of the different ways of taking T, the pros, and cons of each and after talking we decided the best course for me would be the patch. 

Ok so I am thinking I am walking out of the office with a prescription. 

Yeah right, Storm don’t you know you never expect anything to go the way you think it is going to go lol.. So she tells me she needs one more letter from my therapist then she can send my prescription. 

Ok, ok , ok I can handle this.. I mean how long does it take to print a letter, email or fax it right? 

Not long.. nope.. unless of course you are someone other than me who has all the fucking free time in the world (pardon the language, sometimes I just need to let it loose) 

Because apparently it takes a week for someone to do what they should have done in the first place, or so I think anyway. I mean really I am not their only patient, but desk people should know how to fax right? 

Ok maybe just me again, but yeah my patience was not working really well then.. Hell I had none to work so no surprise there. 

 Finally a little over a week later I hear from H and she tells me they got it, the Doc has signed it and she is going to send my script to the pharmacy. But she says, I do not know if your insurance will pay for it… —What!?!? (said to myself) … let me know if it doesn’t. (not sure what she would have done, because I cannot see anyone giving away meds that cost 400$ a month to anyone. 

So I call the pharmacy, it isn’t there.. .again with how fucking long does it take to fax something… I called H, she said I faxed it personally. 

I called them.. not yet, oh wait yep there it is.. So I ask the dreaded question…. Will my insurance pay for it……. Well hell you know they did, because I am on it and ain’t no way in hell I have that much money to spare a month. 

But…… They don’t have any in their store.. so they say they are going to look at their other stores.. nope.. “Oh wait Wal-Mart has it” ok I am not going to go into what the hell happened with them.. but a week later.. when I was first told I would get it, and I would not have to pay an arm and leg for it.. I had my first patch on me. Wooooo… 

 Ok so J.C. …. the process here ( I am not entirely sure where you are) is a royal pain in the fracking ass.. and it is a roller coaster from hell.. in fact your heart won’t know whether to beat or stop half the time, and I am sure your stomach will roll on several occasions.. but just remember this. It gets better… My personal belief is everything happens for a reason and if it is meant to happen it will happen.

 Sometimes I have a hard time living by that though because I really don’t things to happen that I don’t want to happen because I feel like I should be right all the time and I should be in control of everything that happens to me. in some respects I am in control of myself. But when it comes to others, I am not in control of them. It is hard to live with that attitude, and I understand if people do not want to hear it from me, I do… So instead I am going to say to you .. like I said the other day.. Breathe.. they say it is really important.. and from recent accounts of me trying the whole not breathing, I would have to agree.. seems pretty important to the whole living thing.. Much love and Peace Storm

31 Day Update

Wow, so I was getting ready to settled down for the night. Took my shower and put my patch on, once I realized that I had just opened up a new box of patches I decided that I would come on here and make a quick update. So of course I decided I needed to do a video even though I do not like them. But let me tell you something. For once, in my life, I was glad I had decided to do a video record of my progress.

Before I repost the first video I just want to tell you one of the things I noticed and I mentioned to my sister tonight was that my appetite is lower. Where I use to go back for some more dinner, I can now no longer finish the first serving and Angel is trying to figure out how much to put on my plate now a days.

So since I am being waited on to finish this so we can watch the Olympic trials Diving I will just repost the first video and the second one.

Can anyone tell me the differences I see?

First Video


Second Video

Muse

Hello my fellow bloggers.

I have nothing interesting to say about T or transitioning today. I am sure somewhere in  my head I knew that I would not be talking about it all the time every day. But I don’t think I actually really acknowledged it.

At any rate of course I have a million other things I need to do, or should be doing. However, my writing is suffering right now because I just can’t seem to get my fingers on the right keys to bring anything interesting out of me.

I took the laptop this morning figuring I could get some writing in before the meeting this afternoon (Alliance shit) but I sit here and just draw a blank. hell it took me forever just to come up with something to write here. And it sucks

In reality I just want to crawl back into bed, I don’t want to go to the meeting today, I just do not want to do any thing.

Yanno I am so fucking sick and tired of lying people. Of shady backstabbing fuckers who think they can use you and just walk all over your ass.

I guess I owe an explanation here.

Ok background for those that do not know. I am the President of a local organization called The Alliance here in my town. We are an LGBTQI organization (define as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, questioning and intersex) that works with our community as well as straight allies to bring a sense of pride and support to our community.

Any rate we got involved with an organization that wanted to bring Pride here to our little backwoods place ( Fayetteville is backwards in the attitude and outlook of most occupants, though not all), yet come to find out, the stuff that was said to have been done, paid for, gotten, set up, arranged and all that shit has in fact NOT BEEN DONE! No permits, no contracts signed, no commitments established except for the stuff that The Alliance board had accomplished and one person who was not on the board to begin with but is now.

Did you get any of that?

So, basically this person, who shall remain nameless right now, lied and made promises that led people to believe we had something big going to happen here. Well after some checking up was done, this is in fact not done. Now I have trust issues in the first place.. in the second place if I take you at your word and then find out that you lied to me.. I have a huge problem with that.. I mean fucking huge problem.

And now even though we are getting together with some of the other people who have left this man hanging in the wind to still bring some kind of pride celebration here, I am still nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

We have the meeting today, I told you that, but I am not sure how it is going to go. I hope people don’t take on the they want total control attitude at this meeting, because I won’t be comfortable with that at all.

There are so many things going on inside of me right now and I have actually had a couple of times where I just want to say fuck it to it all and stay in my little world where I know things are being honest with me. Though yes I know I do not and cannot control everything in my life, but in my little world I can control a great deal. And I do have a control issue with a lot of things, but this position I am in right now has taught me that I cannot have total control. I have learned this over the years being with Angel and that is a good thing. But blows to me like this make that evil monster come rearing up and the need to control everything around me is crazy.

But you know what.. almost 700 words later and I do not have much of an answer for me right now. I do know I will go to my meeting and I will hear things out, but I have to follow my gut sometimes and when I don’t know what I am feeling, or if what I am feeling makes sense then I look to my rock, to my anchor, my love.. Angel.. she always keeps me on course.

Questions

Ok so I have been thinking about a lot of things.

Of course things that deal with the T.

So far I have only read things on surgeries because that is what most of my brothers are going through right now.

But I have questions about T

I know everyone is different and we all progress differently, just as we would if we were able to do it the right way the first time. But I am wondering these things, because I really don't want to think I am imagining things.

So if my brothers would please give me some information on how things went for them I would be grateful.

My questions are these mostly

How long before you libido kicked up a notch?

How long before you thought you noticed a difference in the way your muscles worked?

How long before you thought your metabolism jumped a notch?

How long before your body hair began to change. Like leg hair, arm arm, hair on your stomach? and lets not forget the facial hair.

What changed first in the hair department? Color, texture, amount?

What about your moods? More or less irritable? Road rage? Less tolerance for stupidity and injustices?

Do you think you became more protective?

Do any of you have young girls in your family whether they be daughters, nieces, cousins?

As I have mentioned before I have two daughters. One 19 and the other 11.(update on this 2/1/2024. I have two sons and one daughter now. the 11 yr old came out as transgender as well. He now is taking T and has a better beard than me.)

Last night I was going to check out the two new episodes of Teen Wolf since the new season started and the first season the 11 yr old and I watched together. The first episode of the new season showed two of the main characters (both teens) getting ready to have sex. I mean the boy was in his boxers and she was all but close to being naked. The only thing that kept it from happening is the mother coming home, of which he promptly went out on the roof (he is a wolf afterall). Now granted they didn't show anything, but I have noticed that more and more "teen shows" are showing teens having sex. I was outraged.. I mean I was really freaking pissed off.

Why are so many teen shows doing this? And why in the world is there a show that has been fairly popular called the Life of an American teenager .. or something like that.. about teens getting pregnant and having sex. Yes I realize it is a part of life, yes I know it happens, and yes I know it is my job to talk to my young pre-teen about not having sex as a teenager. So what is my pre-teen to watch? She doesn't watch cartoons anymore.. and where she does like some of the shows on Nick like Victorous and iCarly and what not, they do tend to get on my nerves and they don't have Vampires or werewolves in them. Something that she is very interested in.

So, I have to tell her that we won't be watching Teen Wolf anymore. I miss the shows when I was a teenager.

I actually would rather she watch Criminal Minds and NCIS than the so called teen shows. Both of which has gotten her interested in the human mind and psychology. Though she says she is going to be a marine biologist.

Anyway here I am rambling again and boring you to tears.. Have a good night.

Not sleeping well-june 12

So here it is 3 am and I am still up.

Normally if I am up this time of the night it is because I am reading, and I have been reading a lot lately. Something I find very relaxing and I need to do more of it, but with more balance.

I seem to get into this all of something stages. Like I work my ass off  from dawn till bedtime working on Alliance issues and trying to bring Pride to our town that I do not do anything to relax and enjoy life.

Then I get into this “fuck off” mood where I am tired of dealing with shit and all I want to do is escape into the fantasy land of fiction. Of which I have been doing a lot of lately.

Though I have to admit the last couple of days I have actually done some work in the morning before I actually pick up the book (or tablet in my case)

But tonight I finished the story I was reading about 2 am and attempted to go to sleep. Usually after reading I can just lay down and drift off to sleep.

Usually Angel is reading as well and we both can just drift off to sleep (well unless we decide to do something else first).

But today she has not been feeling well and I have to say it has me a bit concerned. She gets really really bad migraines and since we have been together (7 years now) they have lessened, but the past two weeks (she tells me this morning) she has been sporting a bad halo **If some of you do not know much about migraines, this halo thing is kind of like a pressure of an oncoming migraine. She sees auras and little fuzzies in her eye sight*** She decided to tell me this after I commented about her squinting her eyes to look at something I was showing her.

I almost wish she would get the headache so we could deal with it and it would be over for her, but I hate to see her in pain like that.

Anyway tonight, since she has not been feeling well, we went into the bedroom early around 730 pm. I had intentions of reading while she relaxed, instead I ended up pulling her onto my chest and we both dozed off.

Actually the sight was more like.. I was propped up on my pillows a little with Angel tucked into my shoulder, her head on my chest with her arm over my stomach as I played my fingers over the outside of her ear. I do that alot.. and then of course our puppy who gets very jealous decides she needs some attention as well, crawls up on my chest pressing her little body to mommy and lays her head down as well. So here I am being a big ole pillow to two of my favorite girls and we all dozed off for about an hour.

Until Angel finally realized she needed to shift, in which she turned over, got more comfortable and I started to read.

Now six hours later, I am done with my reading and I can’t sleep.

I have been thinking about my writing as well.


I have several stories I have been writing on for a few years (actually more than a few years), but I have not finished any of them. I think that is Angel’s biggest beef with me sometimes is that I never finish any of my writing.

I am not sure why that is. She likes the stories and says I am a good writer, but I personally think they suck and never come out the way I see them in my head.

I am not sure.

Well I am rambling, my eyes are getting tired since most times all I do is stare at some sort of computer screen and I just heard Angel moving around in our room, so I am going to go cuddle up to her and hope I can sleep.

Maybe tonight I will have that dream again where I look in the mirror and see the man inside of me staring back at me.

One can hope

Thoughts of Changing T-June 10

Well the other day while at our son’s graduation ceremony I became a bit overheated.. it gets nasty hot here and I don’t like it.. I usually handle it a little better but this time it just made me even more irritable than I already was by being in such a big crowd. When we get home to change before going to his little get together I discover my patch was coming off. I had gotten too sweaty and heated and oily I guess and the patch just would not stick. We tried every tape we have in the house, except the duct tape, and even at mother in law’s we tried some more until finally my MIL (who I call mamma) wrapped an ace bandage around my arm to hold the patch in place.

So Angel and I decided that perhaps calling Heather (MA for Dr. Holt) and seeing if it was possible to change to the gel would be in order. Which I did that same day and she called me back quickly. Long story short I get the prescription for the gel in the mail yesterday (only took one day to get to me, that was fast). However, it is a no go because after calling my pharmacy I discovered that my insurance will not pay for the gel. It will pay for the patch but not the gel. I am not really sure I understand the reasons behind that, but there you go. So I am staying with the patch. If it is hot out I am going to try to figure out something to keep it where it belongs before I go out and get all sweaty. I am NOT giving up T

I don’t think there is much to report on my voice changes or even my body changes. Well there is one thing that is a bit different that I have not mentioned.

I am more sensitive. I don’t normally talk about stuff like this, but yanno I was reminded of why I am sharing this with people and I am not really sharing or helping much if I leave stuff out.

Ok This is adult topic.. so if you are a kid and you parents would get upset at you reading this then be a good sport and let them know first.

Our sex life has always been good, but sparse. That is my fault actually. I kept telling Angel that I was impotent and she said I wasn’t. but that is how I always felt. I always need heavy battery operated stimulation to get my body to respond the way I felt when having sex. I can’t stand that, especially when my body just refused to do anything. So many times our love making was centered on just Angel. I made sure she was satisfied and not worry about myself because the trouble was not worth it when nothing would work right.

But now, I have to say my body has no trouble reacting anymore. I am more sensitive, so much so that the battery operated stimulation is almost too much. In fact there were times where I had to tell Angel to stop touching me, or to turn it off because it was painful. And she also noticed that I was much more swollen than usual. I have this old song from Salt -N-Pepa going through my head “Don’t want no short dicked man” (yeah showing my age here) It is kind of funny in a way. Besides I would rather have functional working over size any day since I can buy any size I want.

Ok enough about that.. now that I got that off my chest a little I will end this for now and go check out to see what the rest of you are doing.

oh yeah.. still sick too .. -growls-

Emotions -posted June 8th 2012

So this past week has been very interesting to say the least. First off we had some issues with our internet connection. We had to wait for a new modem to come out so we could access certain sites, this being one of them, among other ones that I have to use for my job. So you would think that since most of the work I do is online that I would get a little holiday. Yeah guess again

This week was graduation week, and the days leading up to it are always filled with emotions for me. (did the same thing last year when PJ graduated High School) This year even more so because our son, 18, graduated from High school on Thursday and even though I had told him I didn’t cry, I did, a little bit. And if I am going to be honest, I did choke up last year with PJ’s tho I fought the tears back because everyone had bets on me crying and I am just too competitive to let them win like that lol… So we get through our son’s ceremony which is rushed (everything done in one hour) and lets face it, I don’t deal with a crowd of people too well and there of course was more than a crowd, it was more like a mass of people. Brushing up against me, touching me in places they should not have been and just being pretty damn stupid. So by the time we got out of there I was wrung out.

Then this morning was our youngest daughters elementary exiting ceremony. Now I have to tell you, we love this school. I mean we absolutely love this school and we love the teachers and the staff and we are going to miss them. Well add in the fact that they all love their students and most of the teachers and staff were crying. Each of the teachers got up and handed out awards, but before they did they spoke a little about their class and their students. Well Jade’s teacher is just super nice and she started to bawl.

Ok guys come on, I am on an emotional roller coaster as it is, and the day before I watch my son walk the stage and I didn’t think he was going to make it to graduation on some days. Now you are going to put me in front of crying women who I like and expect me to stay my stoic self? Yeah no..

I started crying, Angel was crying and if I looked down the row of our family I am sure others were as well.

Yeah emotional and on top of that I have not slept well because of the impending graduations and I am sick.

I said I was NOT getting sick.

Apparently I lied… I have no control over it I guess

Oh.. and She got AR points for the year so they gave her a trophy and we had no idea it was going to happen. WOW highest AR points in the entire school. Yep that is my kid right there.

I am now just totally exhausted.. tired.. pooped.. my fizzle has fuzzled

but I am so happy to be back online.. and done with graduations.. for atleast 3 years when PJ graduates College, or maybe a year when Danny graduates boot camp.. which ever comes first.

What I have experienced with the T

So it is kind of funny, this little tid bit I get to talk about today about my experience with T in patch form.

As some of you know I have been having a little bit of a time trying to figure out places I am comfortable putting the patch on. For those that do not know let me give you a run down, for those that do, you can skip this part if you want.

I have tried putting it on the back of my shoulder twice, but both times gave me a headache and with some confirmation from some other people I have found out that yep that was the patch doing that because there is not enough meat between the patch and nerves or whatever to keep it from giving me a headache. So I have decided to not put it back there anymore. So I have put it on my left bicep the most, I think I had it on my left thigh maybe twice. It has been exactly 11 days since I started the patch for T, four of those days was on my shoulder and my thigh. so the other 7 days I have had it on my left bicep, different spots, but still on my bicep.

So this is what I have discovered last night.

It is a little hard to see in the pictures, but here they are anyway.

Right Bicep (flexed slightly)

Left Bicep (slightly flexed)

Not sure if you can see it really well on the photos, but in person there is a noticeable difference. My left bicep’s definition is changing. Does it really happen this fast? Or is it because this part of my body is getting the T first and constantly?

Also I have to mention that I tore my right bicep about 6 years ago and about three years ago had surgery on it to fix it. they had to cut my bicep from my shoulder and it just kind of hangs there, so it may form differently from the workouts.

Even when I am not flexing and I am looking down at my arms I can see the difference. There is a definite line where the muscles form and define. I saw it last night when I looked at my arm as Angel was putting the patch on towards the back of my arm.(as seen in above photo).

I don’t normally like showing pictures of certain parts of my body because I am a big guy and I am working on losing the weight and working out (hopefully daily soon) so I can be healthier and fitter for when I have top surgery. But I thought I would share that with you all.

We have decided that I am going to start using my right bicep as well and I will just have to either lay on my left side or lay on my stomach. After taking a serious look at how I lay at night I believe that if I am on my stomach (taking in consideration how I tuck my arms) then I should be fine and I won’t have to worry about putting any excess pressure on the patch on either arm.

Interesting huh? Anybody out there have any experience with the patch for T?

I am NOT getting sick!

So yesterday I woke up with another headache. It could be for a few different reasons. One, because I think I am getting a chest cold again and I just feel generally like shit, or because I was in my mother in law’s house Friday night and they smoke in the house, which usually causes me respiratory distress (They don’t smoke in the house when I am over there, but you can still smell it). Two, there are storms surrounding us, but refusing to fall so the pressure is high and it generally causes havoc on my head. Three, the T is giving me headaches.

Now I don’t want to think the T is giving me headaches because I do not want to stop taking my T. That would be like taking my new born baby away from me. ( I am serious). I had the patch on my thigh during that time so I don’t think it could have been the patch. I know now not to put it on my back or where there is not a significant bit of meat to help it absorb. (I have a lot of spots that have meat and lots of it) So I wasn’t really thinking it could be the T. But who knows. The fact that I woke up with a stiff neck and a little headache today does me no favors except that I believe it is not the T. (thankfully, I think anyway) I have it on my bicep today and it seems that is the only time I don’t feel like I have a problem with it. I wonder if I am going to have to start using my right bicep as well. I mean there are a couple of reasons why I don’t want to use my right bicep.

This is one

The second reason is because I sleep on my right side the most. (or my stomach)

But when we get right down to it, if I have to use my right bicep then I will. No doubt about it. I will just have to find a way to do it without covering my girl up there.

So back to the whole “I am NoT getting sick routine”

My chest has been hurting, I would have just put it on the visit to the mother in law, but unfortunately I have been feeling like this since before I went to the house. So I can’t put the blame there, but I refuse to get sick.

This being said of course after I spent the entire day on the couch yesterday watching Xena with our ten year old.

Yes I am a Xena fan, get over it -grins-

So I thought I would talk a little bit of how I have been feeling lately. I wrote about my frustration over paying bills in my last post and the resulting bad mood. But, I am still in a bit of a ick mood. I am not sure why, I am not sure because of figuring out of how to get money for certain things, I mean this happens every month and we get our bills paid. There just is never any left to do anything fun. But we always make it through and we always find the money somewhere to do just a little bit. So why am I worried. We do this every month and we always get by, I just hate the process every damn month.

Other than that I wonder if it is the T. I don’t think it is.. or perhaps I don’t want to think it is. Maybe I am just going through that time of the month where estrogen rears its head and makes me pissy. I do still have my ovaries (yes I am planning on having them removed, when the money is available) and they like to let me know they are there a great deal of the time at least once a month.

I am also very emotional. Holy fuck! Really? All this time I thought men had better control over emotions. I am sorry to tell you ladies and gentlemen. Natural born men are taught to hide their emotions and keep them bottled up. T is very strong and it can do all sorts of things to your body. Now I expect things to get better once my body realizes it is getting exactly what it wants and needs and I begin to even out. I am also aware that I am at a very emotional time in my journey. I am putting a patch on every night that is feeding me T, that will make me start to change physically. Things that I will be able to see eventually. This is great.. so great.. in ways you cannot even imagine (unless you are doing the same thing) but it is also a pain in my ass because I am the least patient person in the world. I want the top surgery done.. not yesterday.. not last month.. more like so long ago it would cease to be a concern at any time in my life. Know what I mean? Anyway I want it done.. I want it over with.. I want results and I want them now.. but they are not going to come right now. It has been over a week. I am not sure how fast or how slow things really work, because every one is different.

I don’t hear a change in my voice I don’t see any thing physically different or changing about me. But hell Storm it has only been a freaking week. So I need to get over myself and be patient.. yeah that is right.. I need to learn patience.. but it needs to hurry up.

I realize this post is probably rambling and I have bored the tears out of most of my readers, but well this is a day in the life of Storm who is feeling insecure and very impatient. Oh and lets not forget I think I am getting sick.

First of the Month

Well I got home reasonably early yesterday since I had planned on doing some other stuff after I talked to the class.

While I have that on my mind let me fill you in on how it went.

After PJ and I finally found the building, (it wasn’t hard, but daughter gets a bit excited sometimes) and the room we entered to find one woman sitting there eating some late breakfast while she waited for her class to start. We stood around for a little bit, I had just sat down when Professor Stephens entered the room. A nice looking fellow who just screams warmth from him. (This is my first assessment of him) I stood and shook his  hand as he introduced himself and let PJ and I know that we would be sitting at the head of the class. I had expected him to be at the head of the class with us, but instead he took a seat with his students as they came in the room. There were only 7 students, all of them women. Me! Talking to a room full of women !!! But it went really well. I saw a couple of them taking notes and they were asking questions. I may have rambled a bit, sometimes I get talking about something and forget where I started from. But I did not write a speech or even notes for this engagement because I didn’t want to be impersonal. I wanted it to be a more of a sit down discussion. I hope it went well for them as well as I think it went. They also asked for information about The Alliance, I had hoped they would so I had prepared some business cards with my personal blog address on the back of them to hand out. They seemed pleased with that as well.

Life for me right now is so up and down. I am on a high still from starting my T, but regular life seems to want to beat at me. As some of you may know I am on disability because of PTSD which puts me on a strict budget which also causes me a considerable amount of stress, actually stress to both Angel and me. I can’t stand it, it drives me crazy. I have often thought about going back to work, if I could find any work to begin with which is iffy, but honestly my work in therapy is no where near being done and my PTSD conditions just won’t let me go there yet. Which drives me crazy as well. I can’t stand feeling like I am useless and that I am not bringing something to the house. Even though right now Angel would remind me that the money I get every month is the money I paid in all those years I worked (sometimes two jobs at a time).

Yesterday at the class I was asked what I do for a living. Well being on disability I do not consider myself as working for a living, but I do wake up every morning and work on The Alliance. Now if I could find a job that paid me some decent money that I could work from home and not have to worry about my PTSD getting me fired then I would be in a better position.

Sometimes I feel bad, because I am by no means the only person I know who is suffering from the economy. I am by no means the only one having a hard time getting by each month, but I really get tired of robbing Peter to pay Paul to screw over Mary every month. And No Angel I do not want you to take over the bills again, it frankly would not make a difference in me worrying about money for us. It just is what it is.

I told the class yesterday that we have to find the silver lining in everything. For example I wore my binder yesterday and it was 95 degrees out yesterday. but the binder gives me a better look, as in it flattens the double D’s (a little bit) I have. So where is the silver lining in being so freaking hot and then adding to it a binder? It makes me loose a few pounds by sweating to death. As long as I keep clean several times a day and use DEO then I am doing good right?

So where is the silver lining today as I pay the bills and watch the money I never actually touch slide away from us.

Frankly I have no idea, except I can be thankful that we have a place to live, electric, ac, internet and food. And I have my family around me who totally supports me in my quest to be a better me.

But I am having a really hard time today keeping that thought in my head as I think about all the things I am, we are,  going to have to give up in order for us to survive another month.