First of the Month

Well I got home reasonably early yesterday since I had planned on doing some other stuff after I talked to the class.

While I have that on my mind let me fill you in on how it went.

After PJ and I finally found the building, (it wasn’t hard, but daughter gets a bit excited sometimes) and the room we entered to find one woman sitting there eating some late breakfast while she waited for her class to start. We stood around for a little bit, I had just sat down when Professor Stephens entered the room. A nice looking fellow who just screams warmth from him. (This is my first assessment of him) I stood and shook his  hand as he introduced himself and let PJ and I know that we would be sitting at the head of the class. I had expected him to be at the head of the class with us, but instead he took a seat with his students as they came in the room. There were only 7 students, all of them women. Me! Talking to a room full of women !!! But it went really well. I saw a couple of them taking notes and they were asking questions. I may have rambled a bit, sometimes I get talking about something and forget where I started from. But I did not write a speech or even notes for this engagement because I didn’t want to be impersonal. I wanted it to be a more of a sit down discussion. I hope it went well for them as well as I think it went. They also asked for information about The Alliance, I had hoped they would so I had prepared some business cards with my personal blog address on the back of them to hand out. They seemed pleased with that as well.

Life for me right now is so up and down. I am on a high still from starting my T, but regular life seems to want to beat at me. As some of you may know I am on disability because of PTSD which puts me on a strict budget which also causes me a considerable amount of stress, actually stress to both Angel and me. I can’t stand it, it drives me crazy. I have often thought about going back to work, if I could find any work to begin with which is iffy, but honestly my work in therapy is no where near being done and my PTSD conditions just won’t let me go there yet. Which drives me crazy as well. I can’t stand feeling like I am useless and that I am not bringing something to the house. Even though right now Angel would remind me that the money I get every month is the money I paid in all those years I worked (sometimes two jobs at a time).

Yesterday at the class I was asked what I do for a living. Well being on disability I do not consider myself as working for a living, but I do wake up every morning and work on The Alliance. Now if I could find a job that paid me some decent money that I could work from home and not have to worry about my PTSD getting me fired then I would be in a better position.

Sometimes I feel bad, because I am by no means the only person I know who is suffering from the economy. I am by no means the only one having a hard time getting by each month, but I really get tired of robbing Peter to pay Paul to screw over Mary every month. And No Angel I do not want you to take over the bills again, it frankly would not make a difference in me worrying about money for us. It just is what it is.

I told the class yesterday that we have to find the silver lining in everything. For example I wore my binder yesterday and it was 95 degrees out yesterday. but the binder gives me a better look, as in it flattens the double D’s (a little bit) I have. So where is the silver lining in being so freaking hot and then adding to it a binder? It makes me loose a few pounds by sweating to death. As long as I keep clean several times a day and use DEO then I am doing good right?

So where is the silver lining today as I pay the bills and watch the money I never actually touch slide away from us.

Frankly I have no idea, except I can be thankful that we have a place to live, electric, ac, internet and food. And I have my family around me who totally supports me in my quest to be a better me.

But I am having a really hard time today keeping that thought in my head as I think about all the things I am, we are,  going to have to give up in order for us to survive another month.