Muse

Hello my fellow bloggers.

I have nothing interesting to say about T or transitioning today. I am sure somewhere in  my head I knew that I would not be talking about it all the time every day. But I don’t think I actually really acknowledged it.

At any rate of course I have a million other things I need to do, or should be doing. However, my writing is suffering right now because I just can’t seem to get my fingers on the right keys to bring anything interesting out of me.

I took the laptop this morning figuring I could get some writing in before the meeting this afternoon (Alliance shit) but I sit here and just draw a blank. hell it took me forever just to come up with something to write here. And it sucks

In reality I just want to crawl back into bed, I don’t want to go to the meeting today, I just do not want to do any thing.

Yanno I am so fucking sick and tired of lying people. Of shady backstabbing fuckers who think they can use you and just walk all over your ass.

I guess I owe an explanation here.

Ok background for those that do not know. I am the President of a local organization called The Alliance here in my town. We are an LGBTQI organization (define as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, questioning and intersex) that works with our community as well as straight allies to bring a sense of pride and support to our community.

Any rate we got involved with an organization that wanted to bring Pride here to our little backwoods place ( Fayetteville is backwards in the attitude and outlook of most occupants, though not all), yet come to find out, the stuff that was said to have been done, paid for, gotten, set up, arranged and all that shit has in fact NOT BEEN DONE! No permits, no contracts signed, no commitments established except for the stuff that The Alliance board had accomplished and one person who was not on the board to begin with but is now.

Did you get any of that?

So, basically this person, who shall remain nameless right now, lied and made promises that led people to believe we had something big going to happen here. Well after some checking up was done, this is in fact not done. Now I have trust issues in the first place.. in the second place if I take you at your word and then find out that you lied to me.. I have a huge problem with that.. I mean fucking huge problem.

And now even though we are getting together with some of the other people who have left this man hanging in the wind to still bring some kind of pride celebration here, I am still nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

We have the meeting today, I told you that, but I am not sure how it is going to go. I hope people don’t take on the they want total control attitude at this meeting, because I won’t be comfortable with that at all.

There are so many things going on inside of me right now and I have actually had a couple of times where I just want to say fuck it to it all and stay in my little world where I know things are being honest with me. Though yes I know I do not and cannot control everything in my life, but in my little world I can control a great deal. And I do have a control issue with a lot of things, but this position I am in right now has taught me that I cannot have total control. I have learned this over the years being with Angel and that is a good thing. But blows to me like this make that evil monster come rearing up and the need to control everything around me is crazy.

But you know what.. almost 700 words later and I do not have much of an answer for me right now. I do know I will go to my meeting and I will hear things out, but I have to follow my gut sometimes and when I don’t know what I am feeling, or if what I am feeling makes sense then I look to my rock, to my anchor, my love.. Angel.. she always keeps me on course.