On May 4th I will be heading up to Raleigh to go to my first appointment to start T.
I have been waiting for this appointment forever. I really mean forever too. I am nervous and I am excited.
Tonight on National Geographic there will be a documentary airing called American Transgender. I saw a clip for it and in the clip was a young man named Eli talking about how his body began to change after taking his shots. He decided to record the changes monthly. I figure that is a good idea as long as I don't set myself up for disappointment. He was getting the shots. I have been told I will be using the gel. I have heard in a couple of cases that others have started with the gel and were not satisfied with the results and how slowly they were coming about.
I don't want that disappointment, however there are a couple of things I need to find out first. One, is it more dangerous to use the shot, other than my extreme needle-phobia, does it in fact work faster, and will my insurance pay for the shot versus the gel.
All of these questions will be answered on Friday, but it is freakin Tuesday right now and I have had those question going through my head for a long time now. I am not the most patient man ever. Lots will tell you that, and of course there are just some things I have to wait for. Life has taught me that very well, but I do not have to like it and probably never will.
(As I am writing this I am going in and out of the house helping my son with his car, while he goes back and forth to the auto store to get the part needed. It just broke while we were putting it on so he is back at the auto store)
There is nothing else that makes me feel more masculine than being covered in car grease as I am right now. With the physical limitations on me at the moment I have a hard time going out and working on my own truck, but Danny only needed his positive cable changed out. Something he could have done all on his own, but he is a good boy and lets Dad come help him. He knows I miss working on cars and he knows I love the feel of car grease.
Life is going to change a little bit for us here when I start my T. I am hoping it is better as far as on my end. I want a better sex drive, I want to feel better about my body. I want these fucking breasts gone. I wake up every day hating them. I go to bed every night hating them. I spend every waking moment hating them. Hell I spend every sleeping moment hating them. I have dreams of cutting them off myself, of going through extreme pain just to get rid of them. I have had dreams of looking in a mirror and I see myself, exactly like I want my outside to look like.
I don't think there are enough words in the language regardless of which, the says fully how I feel. Really I don't.
Keep coming back here if you would like to see my progress on becoming the man I want to be. I am going to keep track like Eli did, except mine is going to be online. I hope it helps others who are like me.
No comments:
Post a Comment